Just Ask the Girls

A thought provoking column, written from a 
different point of view.
 

Dear Girls,
I'm a middle aged, altered female.  I've noticed recently that when I go 'pee-pee" as my housemate calls it, it burns spots in the lawn.  Can anything be done about it?  It's embarrassing when a friend comes to visit and we run in the backyard...
                                            Lady in Louisville

Dear Lady,
Style here, I know exactly what you are talking about.  I've overheard the people that I let stay at my house discuss it already. 

I understand that when you go for your next doctor's appointment, you can get some pills that stop burning the grass. 

Do not eat anything that someone has put baking soda into.  It could kill you!  I'm just a dog, so I can't give medical advice, however, I have heard first hand from a retired vet that she has had several dogs die from it. 

I've also heard, around the fire hydrant, that two tablespoons of tomato juice in your food daily will stop it... but I don't know if it is only for Boy dogs, or for us gals too.  Maybe someone else can send us an email if they know of any easy treatments.
 

Dear Baffled, 
Diva's got just the right thing for you.  Add two tablespoons of Senior Fuego Loco's hot sauce to the little kitty's food.  Not only will it be entertaining watching her fly from room to room thinking her tail is on fire, it also adds that extra little zing to those "morsels".
 

Dear Girls,
I have a most embarrassing problem, sometimes I get the urge to lick a lot, or scoot my butt on the floor.  It's really uncomfortable sometimes.  What can I do?

                                              Scooter

Dear Scooter,
Style here, It's not as bad as you think.  As a matter of fact, the people who live with you should notice these signs.  Your problem has to do with your anal glands not draining while your outside doing you "dooty". 

I would recommend your life partners drain them (or at least check them on a regular basis).  They are pretty easy to drain, you should probably do it in a shower stall and make sure you tell your life partners to use latex gloves.  The glands are located at 8 o'clock and 4 o'clock.  They only need a gentle squeeze. 

The thing you should not do is allow yourself to go in to the vet and undergo a "new" "innovative" procedure where they inject a caustic fluid in the sacs.  Supposedly, the lining will slough off and expel itself.  The opening where the sacs used to be are supposed to grow shut.

Unfortunately, there are a lot of dogs out there that agree, it doesn't work very well.  In most cases you can get a nasty secondary infection and abscess.  Don't do it!